Dating...

is something I'm throwing myself into, really for the 1st time ever! Putting myself out there & as I read in Cosmo (I was super bored that day), acting like a lady by not refusing a single invitation. Except of course from guys that look like they auditioned to be on Jersey Shore or the ones that have earlobes stretched wide enough that I can put my fist thru them. While I have an affinity for tattoos on a man, those kind of piercings... not so much. Also, I like to laugh. A lot. I also like hearing other people laugh, except when it's a la Arnold Horshack. If you're not familiar, google it & then tell me if you could listen to that for more than an hour. If you can, great, I know someone you just got to meet. Another thing I will absolutely not stand for is even the slightest bit of homophobia. Some of the best gay jokes I've heard were told to me by gay men, but when a straight guy spews 20 in the 1st hour of our meeting, well, then we have a problem. 

I guess those are what you'd call my "dating deal breakers," right? & I know there will be times when not counting the above mentioned, it's just not there. Like yesterday, I liked the guy's dog more than the guy, & as anyone will tell you, I'm more of a wee little kitten kind of girl...

I would...

is one of my favorite Jane's Addiction songs, but as usual, I digress. It isn't about music today, it's about how I would do anything for my mother aka Mama.

Like so many out there, it's hard for me to put into words (even though I know so many, haha) the total affinity I feel for my mama. It's also difficult to describe what I felt this morning when she told me she was going to the doctor to get a biopsy on a lump she found in her breast, not to mention the news upon her return that there were actually 2 lumps & whether they turn out to be cancer or not, she'll have to get her breast removed. Yeah. It's a good thing I had just finished some serious exercising right when she got back. My sweaty fingers can easily type this, but my adrenaline-filled brain can't really process it all yet. I hate to think about what will happen when it can.

Or maybe I'm just in shock.

My First Crush...

was on Jesus Christ. Now I don't mean some people's Lord & Savior, but I speak, errr type, of the man who portrayed him on the stage & screen versions of Jesus Christ Superstar. It could've been dancing along to the soundtrack album, which I still have by the way, in the summer heat (air conditioning was a true luxury back then) that sent my little 4 year old heart into pitter-patters, but 29 years later, men with longish hair, facial scruff & high cheekbones still have the ability to make me a little weak in the knees.

I want...

one. Badly. Like yesterday.

Libertine...

is defined as a free thinker, a person who is unrestrained by convention.

It's one of my favorite words.

Resolution...

for the New Year is some- thing I usually don't participate in. If I need to make a change, I'm not going to wait until the 1st of the year to solemnly avow to do it. Then I recently came across this photo. Me 5 years ago (my cheekier friends exclaim, "WHAT, you were a 4 year old boy?!?!") & 40 pounds less than I am now. Sure I had almost no boobs, but I DID have a very defined jawline. What a total wake-up call seeing this was. So today, I solemnly avow a resolution. By December 31st, 2011 I will have a new happy & healthy image to share. Sure I could powder my nose & reach the goal a lot quicker, but  been there, done that.

Out with the old...

Truth...

hurts. But the one thing I am NOT is a liar, so I speak it. Often. A lot. Most of the time. Do I mean to hurt people? Never. Is it my fault if they can't face reality? No. Can I help if they are disappointed by what I say? Not at all. 

Speaking of, disappointment hurts as well. A friend can put SO much effort into things, go above & beyond most people & get pretty much nothing in return only so many times. Then the realization comes that it was all just a waste & disappointment sets in.

Luckily I'm now over it. The hurt in my back from the symbolic stabs have gone away (now if only the pain from the tiny cancer spot would!). Guess I should've been more careful & most definitely will be from now on. I always said I know a shitload of people, but can count those I call real, true friends on the fingers of one hand. 

My pinky is now vacant...


A few days later update: No vacancies anymore (smiley face). It's nice to be finally heard & understood...

Simple Minds...

are of course best known for The Breakfast Club (a movie I know 99% verbatim, by the way) theme song. Yet I recently came across a song of theirs that I had never heard of before (gasp!) not to mention absolutely LOVE. Dare I say it's been added to my "Top Ten Favorite 80's Songs EVER" list.

I think I feel a dance party for one coming on...

Battle Scars & Spots...

usually come with a memory until they eventually both fade away. The one from slicing my leg on the corner of a glass coffee table this summer finally did. Yet I have a few that never will.

Now don't get me wrong, what I have is "the best kind" of cancer. While it can return in a different place once removed, it can't kill me. & as they (who are they anyway?) say, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Sure I almost went insane working with insane people just to get health insurance to pay for surgeries. Sure I saw my actual skull before they stitched up the hole on my forehead. Sure I had my left eye sewn shut for 3 weeks following one of the many procedures I had done. But I'm still alive. & while a piano can fall from the sky & kill me, cancer will NOT.

Still, it sucks. Like seriously sucks. & I rarely complain about it b/c as soon as the "why me" starts, I think of others who have it worse & then I feel guilty. Like one of my best high school friend's mother who died from it this year. Or my friend who lost her high school sweetheart/husband of more than 20 years a few years back. Yet there are times, like this morning when I woke up & felt the huge sting of the tiny spot on my back that I'll either have to get cut out or scraped off, that I take a full 5 minutes for myself & wonder what the fuck I ever did to deserve all this.

& then the guilt kicks in...

Speechless...

is definitely not a word many would use to describe me. Yet even this woman of many words has none to communicate what goes on with her while watching this video. The fact that I love anything to do with the ocean & it's perfectly set to the sounds of Perry Farrell, who is the greatest male vocalist EVER along side Robert Plant (in my humble opinion) doesn't hurt...

No Doubt...

this the most amazing photograph I have & will EVER have seen:

Gerald Waller ~ New Shoes, 1946